So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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