also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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