is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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