I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize