I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
