im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
