He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
it hurts more in the daytime
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
