i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
