listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
