I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
