I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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