i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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