I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
