when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
