So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
