hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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