I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
