Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
