It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
