I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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