Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize