That's when you crack a 10am beer
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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