sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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