apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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