the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
