she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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