Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
