God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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