Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
