I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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