I wannas sexs uuuuu
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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