Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
bring money and cleavage
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
