I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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