I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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