I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
