Dude my mom stole all your condoms
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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