My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
