I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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