I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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