what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
