I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
