Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
