there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
