also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
