Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
