In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
