im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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