yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
