he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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