whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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