is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
