you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
