When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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