Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
