Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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