So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize