dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
