yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
