i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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