Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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