At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
