Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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