he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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