Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
this boner is exhausting
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
