they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize