i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
