This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize