glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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