if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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