i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
