if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
