Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize