My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
