I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize