The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize