We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
