his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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