So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
